My brother put on floaties and looks at us and goes “If you need me, I’ll be in the shower.”
I had a conversation the other day about divorce and we brought up the idea of having someone file a divorce with you when you didn’t want one.
I seriously think that would be the worst feeling in the world.
The worst feeling has to be feeling like you’re not enough. In the context of divorce, I can’t even imagine how that would feel. Here I am, wanting to spend the rest of my life with you and then you leave. The love of my life just disappeared…
Even if you’re not married, feeling like you aren’t enough is the absolute worst feeling. As soon as it hits, your mind just goes haywire, like “What if I had changed that thing about myself?” Mostly it’s just why. Why wasn’t I enough for you? God, I hate that feeling. Because you immediately turn to yourself for the source of the problem and then your flaws become really apparent. What about me wasn’t good enough for you? It becomes a blame game of “Well they didn’t like me anymore because my nose is too big and that girl, she’s got the cute little nose and oh my god.” When in reality, you’re totally fine. Your nose is probably cute as hell.
But it’s so hard to deal with your insecurities when you feel inadequate.
I really wonder how I got to be this way. I feel really lost a lot of the time.
It always strikes me late at night and I don’t know why. It’s always late at night when the anxiety and the bad thoughts come back, creeping like a shadow in the corner or the room. I’ve been better about it, I swear I have. I’ve tried so fucking hard to push past the walls I’ve built around myself. And I’ve been so much better about it these past two months. But now it’s starting to slowly return…
All the self-loathing I’ve fought so hard to keep away and it’s coming back. At this point I don’t know what to do on these late nights. I try listening to music, but even that is becoming less effective. It’s killing me at a snail’s pace….